please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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