he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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