he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize