im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
