I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
