Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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