he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize