Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
