i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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