So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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