you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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