Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize