Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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