God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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