he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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