god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
