she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
