The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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