I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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