It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize