at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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