Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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