The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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