tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
