I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
