That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
