Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
