There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
