My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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