It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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