she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
