I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
