I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
