I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
