last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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