just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
