i permit you to call me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
