Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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