All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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