she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
