Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
