My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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