I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
