sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize