i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
