Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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