There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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