so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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