How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
