Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
