I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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