her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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