Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
