Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
