Man, jail baloney is awful.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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