this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We left the knife in your bed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
