i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
