Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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