I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am available for nakedness
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize