It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
