YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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