I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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