just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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