Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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